Zarkov

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their
Tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says

"Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think
That it is time I made a confession........
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight
Years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his
Wife's' eyes and says,

"My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years,
I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could
Show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life
a bit ?"

She said "No I don't think you understand
- my name was James and I played rugby for New Zealand

pistachio

mwahahaha pure gold!

Shrek

Not sue if this is a joke or not but I'll put it here anyway.



WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walk
even further back behind their husbands, and seem appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

The moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.

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Tall_Tim

Another blond joke.

Once upon a time, there was a netball team. Half the team was blonde, the other half were mixed hair.
The team was planning to travel to their final match in a double decker bus. The blondes sat upstairs, the others downstairs. About halfway through the trip, one of the girls asked "where are the blondes? I haven't heard from them at all...." and went upstairs to have a look. Up she went and saw them all cowering in their seats, clenching the handles going white knuckled. She asked "why are you all so quiet? were having a great time downstairs!"
Then ones of the blondes cried out "Yeah, but you have a driver!"

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Vincent

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Vincent

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Vincent

hahaha. Thats a good one

ShoeBox

what is the difference between Mr Kelly from hey dad, and a greyhound?

greyhound waits for the hare to leave the box

Tall_Tim

That's terrible....I love it!!!

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Shrek

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the Tax agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO.
"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and
every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases?
What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and
then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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