hussman

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his mum
was watching him. The kid had a bag of jelly beans. He put one in his mouth, grabbed the cat and bit it. He then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step. His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him. "I'm playing truckers." said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin' on."

rotel

The IT team felt that it would be good to provide you with this guide to help us do our jobs better:

* When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
* Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
* When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords.
* When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
* When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
* When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
* Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
* When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
* When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
* When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
* When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
* When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
* When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
* When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
* When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
* Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
D
* on't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
* If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
* If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
* When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
* When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
* Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer rubbish." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as rubbish.
* When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
* When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT Support.
* When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.
* When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
* When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
* Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
* When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $600,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
* When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
* When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
* Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
* When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.....

Thanks, IT Support

rotel

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day,

he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone :

"Get me a f**** cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are f***** talking to,you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Ausmtbr

S.h.i.t
The following is a letter from Management:

To assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. LIST, as our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. any more, and are full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Ausmtbr

An Austrlian Job
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electronic razor (MADE IN HONGKONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI-LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE In INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AUSTRALIAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in . . . . AUSTRALIA . . .

Ausmtbr

Jesus is watching
A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!"
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.
He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.
He asks, "Was that you talking ?"
The parrot answers "Yes."
The burglar asks, "What is your name?"
The parrot replies, "Clarence."
The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

Ausmtbr

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things...

1 -The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 -The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 -I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 -The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 -The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

dee

A secret national transportation safety board recently divulged that they had funded a project with car manufacturers to research fatal crashes. For the past five years, installed black boxes into utes to help determine the cause of these fatalities.
They were surprized to find the last words in 89.3 per cent of cases were "hold my beer and watch this".

dee

The pastor was talking to a group of young children
about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his
talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the
preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

pete

- Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
- After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

- Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

- Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

- In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

- When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
- Drive through with a car load of naked people.

- Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
- Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

- Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

- If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."

- All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.