risc

Useful New Tech Terms
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a server went down, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SWIPEOUT: An access card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404: A completely clueless end-user.

OHNOSECOND: That fraction of time after hitting Enter, in which you realize that you've just permanently erased a big database.

Inoculatte: Taking coffee intravenously when you are pulling an all-nighter getting that database online from the backup tapes.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease in which you lose the spine to go dating because you're always too busy surfing pr0n.

vicky

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the mechanic, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side

vicky

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.

The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

huski

Dear Diary:
For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a
Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me
on the stairmonster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit
too.

THURSDAY:
Her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&** barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal or a vasectomy.

huski

Wedding Anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in
the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

huski

I saw a bumper sticker the other day I thought was funny.

My Wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive.

So I took her to the petrol Station.

sanity

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

sanity

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!"

shifty

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge
will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and
Ass kissing that will put you over the top

edge

HAHAHA we have this one at work cracks me up all the time